I hear Voices in my Head

People tend to think I’m quiet. I’m not. My keeping to myself is a subtle overt attempt on my path to keep them out of the range of the blast radius of my thought process. I know that doesn’t make a great deal of sense because I just used the words ‘overt’ and ‘subtle’ side by side but a lot doesn’t make a lot of sense these days, at least not in my head. Take my mind for instance, everyone else gets to have a voice or two in their heads and that’s it. Not me, there’s an entire republic of maniacs running the show in this mind of mine and I’ll be damned if they do not seek to indicate their presence at some of the worst moments possible.

I remember this one time in July when a certain female with quite the ‘unshapely mid-section’ walked past. I’m a big fan of the tanned and toned midriff; just saying. As she went by and muttered a greeting, I began to think of Christmas even as my mind went blank to mirror the weather conditions of that time of the year. As if that didn’t make me bad enough a person, one of the voices in my head just went ‘And have yourself a merry little Christmas now’ in a voice Barry White would be proud of. IN JULY!!!

The other day, I was in church and the necktie of the pastor caught my fancy cause it looked a lot like a hangman’s noose and reminded me of a friend’s project on capital punishment and in that moment I became a foe of the death penalty. That’s beside the point. In that moment as I gazed unpleasantly upon the tie which would have sufficed as a neck scarf, one voice in my head just went ‘Does God call deaf people?’ and another retorts ‘Nah, I’m sure he won’t make the effort. He’s that good a guy. Even if he did, they can’t hear him so why bother?’ While I’m still struggling to come to terms with this grossly intolerant conversation that’s straight out of left field, a third voice goes ‘What language do deaf people think in?’

Now I’m like, ‘hold up who are these people in my head?’ And I begin to toy with the idea of signing up for the delightfully painful exorcism classes the church holds from time to time in secluded parts of town. Anyway, while I’m yet to reach a decision whether or not to sacrifice my flesh for several strokes of the holy cane, the choir breaks into song and the lines of the song are quite catchy and interesting too ‘I am under the rock, Jesus Christ is the rock’ and these creatures in my head absolutely love it except for one which goes ‘Ah, Jesus is the Rock? Could have sworn that was Dwayne Johnson. I really should pay attention to the closing credits of the Fast and Furious movies’ while the others begin to play the Randy Orton theme song ‘Voices’.

Fitting, if you asked me.