HOW TO BE A NIGERIAN POLITICIAN

Nigeria is a playground, more like the biggest sub-par Nollywood movie ever. We daily witness drama unfold in our politics, drama that leaves a sour taste in our mouth. All that displeasure usually translates to social media memes and spoof videos. We are not a serious nation, we are a jocular people; it’s why we are fervently taken for granted, it’s why every village idiot can aspire for political office in this Country. If you’re willing to take up leadership in Nigeria you must be conversant with the following:

• IF YOU SHARE THE MONEY, YOU ARE A SAINT. Regardless
  

Yes, you read that right, so long as you can make it to the office and spread some money across board, you’re automatically an angel. It doesn’t matter what other atrocities you commit – embezzling, falsified educational results, rigged elections, blatant lying – the grace of the people will speak for you. Because eventually, “in a democracy people get the leaders they deserve” – Joseph de Maistre

• YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW YO WORK THE MEDIA

The media sector in Nigeria is one of the most ignorant, yes ignorant, sector. They don’t care about the issues, they care about gist, buzz and unnecessary ratings — pressing political issues only last a season, then we all forget. Remember the Farouk-Otedola case? Or the Patricia Etteh renovation brouhaha? My point exactly! So as a politician, work the media like a pro and you’re already a god! Oshiomhole, Rochas, Wike, Fayose, Dino, etc are husbands to the media. Yes, use the social media to catch them young. Dino, Bruce and Wike are experts in this field!

Remember when President Buhari hit us with the “I belong to everybody and I belong to Nobody” quote, and we all automatically had new hope? Well, that’s how you work the media.

• IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, SO LONG AS YOU SAY IT WITH EMPHASIS

Whatever you say in this country, correct or not, so long as you vehemently state your claim you should be okay. It is in this country that you can write WAEC at 13 as far back as 1956 and not have a certificate, then tender same in order to rule. It is in this country that you can pass out from NYSC on a Sunday! Then when the doubters come knocking, all you need to do to rebuff them is do a 40-second video singing about their downfall and come to work in your convocation gown.

• THE GOSPEL OF PROPAGANDA IS THE MESSAGE OF HOPE

No need to expatiate, just look at Lai Mohammed, Garba Sehu, Femi Adesina. The message of propaganda is the message of Hope. Know how to feed your people with lies. People are looking forward to what you want to say next, so feel free to lai!

• THERE’S ALWAYS SPACE AT THE TOP

When you finish one office, no matter how badly you’ve done, there’s always room to aspire for higher office. From councillor to president, because of the first point in this article there’s always time to aspire! Take a look at the NASS, that’s the biggest dumping ground in Nigeria. These are just few of the basics on how to become a politician in Nigeria.

How to be a citizen is up next but first…. Nigerians are gullible, and our ignorance is at record-breaking levels. Our ignorance is maybe the only reason we’re still sane, we mask our sorrow with it. Oh, the bliss ignorance brings. Shuffering and shmiling, the Kalakuta Prophet said.

Efosa Iguodala

Graduate of Chemistry, GrantCorp founder, political analyst and a Gunner for Life!