Would you call it insecurity?

Would you call it insecurity?

I’ve always wondered what it is… fear or insecurity that makes one stay in an abusive relationship; covering up your scars with layers and layers of makeup products… House of Tara maybe?…

What is it exactly that makes women stay in abusive environments with the hope that things will get better… is it the need to appear happy? I guess it boils down to societal opinions then. I saw a tweet once, this lady said, “if a man beats me…then he loves me” and some other bullsh*t tweets she posted to support her opinion. She got a lot of backlash of course from mostly angry females. But what I felt for this lady was incredible pity… for her and whoever looks up to her as a role model. In situations like that, you have to consider this lady, she’s the victim. I thought of the years of abuse, both mental and physical she must have undergone in order to have that mindset and feel bold enough to share it on social media and I felt a deep hurt for her.

I go beat any woman wey challenge me…even if na my wife” … these were the words of a keke driver who was in a heated argument with his colleagues on whether a man should beat his wife or not. Some passengers joined in of course, but I just sat… observing. That day I realised that no matter how absurd your opinions on an issue is, someone would agree with you. I looked at this man, obviously in his forties and I wanted to condemn him in my spirit but then I thought of him…he might be the victim in this situation too. I have come to realise that when a man feels the need to hit a woman, it’s because he knows no better. Probably because that is the same way his late father or any other man he holds in high esteem handled domestic issues. “Are you saying abuse is okay because it is an unending cycle?” One might ask… no… I’m saying the need to exert authority by using only physical means is deeply psychological and these issues need to be addressed from the root of the problem. Even as much as we may try to deny it, the way we grew up, the things and events we were exposed to as kids have shaped us in one way or another therefore they cannot and should not be overlooked.

It may seem old-fashioned but before you get hooked to that “peng ting”, do your research… how is his relationship with his parents, how was his childhood? Ask the tough questions… did his parents fight a lot? How were conflicts resolved? Sometimes the questions seem absurd but it is pertinent that you ask them. Sometimes there are dark bad events that happened when we were much younger that have stuck to our sub-conscious and we have no idea. Therefore, when provoked the effects these events had on us back then re-surface and we don’t know how to handle ourselves thus taking it out on whoever is in close range.

Then again, these are just words from an inexperienced young female. It may be totally biased and that is why there is a comment section. I’d definitely love to read from you, having in mind of course that every opinion comes from an experience.

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  1. Etinyene Jimmy, erm i just got to read your work, hence the late comment.

    Foremost, thank you for drawing our attention to another dicey issue we tend to quickly forget – domestic abuse. I think the ladies who still expect to be beaten as a show of affection and the dudes who still think battery is the key to manliness should both be offered urgent and professional help but again, our society scores a low point here.

    To answer your question, NO it is not insecurity, it’s a pattern.

    So, Etinyene (permission to use), let’s not stop speaking out and against domestic abuse via 3rdeye(oshey!), social media, conversation. this is how we break wrong patterns. That’s how we win against evil.

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