I sat in my aunt’s pharmacy staring at a syringe of excess potassium chloride in my hand. In a few minutes, I was going to end my misery. Life had been so cruel. I didn’t care any more. It was time to go.
My ma thinks I am a mess. She sees wrong in everything I do even when I’m only trying to please her. She finds a reason to complain every blessed time — it’s either my dress is too short or my knickers were inappropriate. Other times, I am rolling with the wrong crowd. Sometimes, it feels like she wants to live my life for me.
Let’s not even talk about school, I’d just bore myself to death!
And let’s not forget the love of my life, Sam. Oh, at least I thought he was. I wasn’t looking for love when he came along but he brought it anyway. Three years down the road and he tells me I’m not what he needs and that he’s sorry he strung me along for so long. He needed someone more, well, “spontaneous”. Idiot!
Sam broke me into a million bits but I moved on. I did. I thought I did but the invitation in my purse had me crumbling like a weak wall. She was the opposite of me in every way. I guess the problem wasn’t spontaneity, I just wasn’t his type.
Another look at the syringe and I thought to myself that I had to at least have one reason to not inject this into my blood stream.
Friends? They come and go like the waves. Each one giving me a reason to trust people even less. I once had one I trusted with my life. She was like the sister I never had but even she turned her back on me. She hurt me and I can’t even say why. I was so nice to her. Is my niceness my problem?
I looked at the syringe yet again. Aunt Judy would be so devastated when she got here in the morning. I had at least two minutes after injecting myself to drop the syringe in the trash with the others before I had a heart attack.
Honestly, I’m tired of life; of having to struggle to fit in. Most days, it feels like being me is not good enough for anyone. Nobody loves me for me, they all have what they want me to be. I can’t be that and then lose myself. I just can’t take the pressure any more!
My phone starts ringing. It’s Charles. I’m just going to let it go to voicemail.
“Crazy girl, I know you’re listening to this and I know you’re angry you have to lock up again. When you’re done, can you meet me up at Barnes? I want us to listen to Eminem’s new album together, it’s got some pretty dope track. Please. I miss you. It’s been long we hung out and I really just want to see you smile.”
I was staring at my phone now. Charles and I were still getting to know each other well but he was okay with me just as I am. Was I wrong? Was I jumping into conclusions? I emptied the syringe and cleaned the counter. I had already listened to Revival but doing it with someone would be way more fun.
Charles had saved me tonight. He was never going to know that though.
I learn to live my life as everyday comes but still controlling the elements around me. I’m not perfect but the more I strive towards perfection the more things fall in place